My Cyber Monster

For those of you who don't know, I finally bit the bullet and bought a new computer. It...is...awesome!!!

Anyway, I intended to write about the results of the fix I had done on my laptop earlier. I didn't do so, however, because I was waiting for the worst. I had my doubts that replacing the hard drive on that computer would correct the problem, but I had high hopes. Unfortunately, my doubts were more accurate than my hopes. My laptop did work much better for a little while. It was repaired in January. When it was returned to me, some of the manufacturer perks were missing, but everything else worked as it should (once I had it all loaded again). My game worked, and my computer wasn't freezing on me at all. I was content with the results.

Then, last month, the problems started again. It started slowly, but not as slowly as before. The computer would lock up after I exited my game (SWTOR, if you're trying to keep track), and only when I exited my game. It didn't happen every time, but often enough. Then, it was freezing every time I exited my game and most of the time I finished watching a video (especially a full-screen video). Finally, it locked up repeatedly while I was trying to play my game. If you know my relationship with SWTOR, you realize that was the last straw. Clearly, either the hard drive wasn't the only problem or something I'm doing to my hard drive causes significant, escalating damage because this was the same issue all over again. (This all started again after I finally reloaded my Sims 2 games, so maybe they're part of the problem--too much memory usage?)

As the problems started, I immediately started looking into new computers. I've given up on laptops for the games I play. They work well enough for me for a while, but not permanently. Thus, I was researching desk top computers, which I haven't owned since before college. I wasn't sure if I wanted to go prebuilt and do the best I could there (while avoiding Dell because my Dell laptops--3 total over the years--have not lasted as long as I needed them to) or if I wanted to try the custom-built option. I've heard from my gaming friends that custom is the way to go. Unfortunately, I know too little about computers and what I need to build one myself. So, I looked for companies that would do it for me. I found one that looked good and gave me many (too many?) options for the specs on my new device. With a ton of help from a friend (whom I met in SWTOR--this is my main social circle now, I guess), I decided on the basic specs and add-ons for my new computer and put in the order. It involved spending money I don't exactly have, but I found, oh, so many ways to justify the purchase (I'll spare you the list; I'm sure you can imagine it).

After two weeks of waiting for assembly and shipping, my computer arrived!! The friend who helped me build it called it the "monster" and was absolutely right! It's larger than I expected, and I now know what the inside of my computer looks like. There is plenty of space to add more devices, should I decide I want to and I eventually figure out what I'm doing. It plays my game beautifully. I bought a new monitor that is much larger than my laptop's screen, so I can become fully immersed in the game (whether that's healthy or not, I haven't decided...). I've set up a "work station" that is far more conducive to game play than what I did before. In theory, I shouldn't have to buy another new computer; I should just be able to buy new parts and upgrade the one I have.

God bless Squeaks for putting up with all of this process. She allowed (even helped!) me move around furniture in the living room so I could set up a space for my computer that wouldn't cause me to spend so many hours completely alone. I didn't want to abandon her completely; she may be regretting that now. We cleared out a corner for my new desk and chair, and the rearrangement works much better than either of us had expected.

I am content with how all of this has worked out. I briefly regretted spending the money to attempt to fix my laptop, but it seems to work just fine when I'm not trying to play SWTOR, so I'm hoping it will last me a while for basic tasks before dying completely. Once it does, I'll still have the "monster" and I might replace the laptop with a tablet, since those seem to be much better lately for basic computering tasks.

First Day Jitters

When I was a student (at any level), I always experienced nerves the night before classes started. As a youngster (grade school), that was all excitement. Later, my feelings developed more into anxiety of a sort and concern about finding the right room, not looking like an idiot, making sure the teacher liked me (I was a suck-up who didn't know she was one), and finding out how crazy the semester was going to be.

After I finished grad school, I assumed those nervous, sleepless nights were at an end. Reality, however, seems to be the opposite. Now that I'm teaching, I have first-day-of-school anxiety on top of work anxiety. It's all sorts of fun.

Last week was my first week at both schools: one started Monday, the other Wednesday, so I had two nights of rough sleep. I had my syllabi ready, and the first days are frighteningly simple--I go through the pertinent points of the syllabus, start getting to know the students, show them how tough, yet occasionally funny, I am, and start the ball rolling. After the syllabus is together, week one is a breeze, teaching-wise. In spite of all that (and my previous teaching experience; I've been doing this for at least five years now), I still do not sleep well the night before the first day.

What's funny is that I never think I'm nervous. I don't particularly feel anxious or overwhelmed. I know what's coming, and I'm prepared. Yet, my tossing and turning and checking the clock all night, as well as the strange dreams, force me to admit to those insidious jitters. Last Sunday night, before OD started, I had many dreams, three of which stick in my mind somewhat to this point, so I'll share. I think you'll notice a theme. (This is the order in which I remember having these dreams.)

1. Finding the Subway - In this scene, I think was visiting my sister, BB, in NYC, but it was as though the city street was also a large mall, focused primarily in what looked like a food court. I had to get to wherever BB was by a certain time, 11:00pm, I think, but I was having trouble finding the subway station. On top of that, I was convinced that the trains would stop running completely within a few minutes. I ran down what felt like the length of the mall (several city blocks) in the direction I had thought the stop I wanted was in. No luck. So, I ran in the other direction; that's when I found the subway stop just around a corner from where I had started, and I was too late for the train. I knew BB was going to be upset with me, and I was left lost in NYC, the mall.
2. Lady on a Plane - Next, I was on an airplane. It was a rather small plane: one side of the plane had three seats across, the other had two. I was seated in the window seat on the two-seat side, when the woman who had the seat next to me appeared. She spoke loudly, in a rather strident tone, and asked/demanded that I switch her seats because she didn't want to sit on the aisle. Next I new, I was in the aisle seat, and the woman (who was also a little heavy) was sitting in the window seat but leaning over in my direction. She was practically in my chair (not that she was too large for her seat, but she was simply invading my space), and she wouldn't stop talking to me extremely loudly. Oh, the irritation. My dream morphed then: it was the same, but we were suddenly in a larger plane that had at least three seats on each side; I think ours had four. I was still in the same row as that same woman, and she was still in my personal space. I guess I couldn't escape her.
3. Leap of Faith - [This dream had a few elements that you may not recognize, so I have a glossary of sorts at the bottom of this post.] I was trying to get to something like a datacron*. I don't think it was a datacron, exactly, but I'm not sure because I never obtained whatever I was trying to get. I was on one side of a canyon and had to reach a point partway across, a platform of sorts. I had to "leap of faith"** there, across a narrow, and nearly invisible, land bridge. Once I reached the platform, I realized I didn't have an item I had to have to retrieve my goal item (reward?). So, I had to go back across the perilous path. The needed object was in another place I had to travel to, and the process would take a while. I knew I'd have to go and come back and cross that blasted bridge again, but there was no help for it...I HAD to have whatever was on that platform. Before I could find out what any of those mysterious items were, either to get the goal or the goal itself, my alarm finally went off.

For all I know, those dreams all occurred within the last half hour of attempting sleep before my alarm, which I had been waiting for all night!, saved me from the insanity. I hope you noted the themes of worry/fear, irritation, and failure. That was a good night...

So, first day jitters and general anxiety? Yep, I've still got them! I don't think my jobs stress me out too much, but I suppose I'll always be a little nervous for the first day of school.

[*In the computer game I play, Star Wars: The Old Republic (i.e. SWTOR), there are these bonus objects I can find called datacrons (their purpose isn't important at the moment). There are tricks to finding all of them: some involve jumping to tricky places, others involve puzzles, some are behind high point enemies I have to kill. One is across a lava-filled space, and I have to find a Crusade-like bridge to get to it.
**The leap of faith: in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, part of the final puzzle to the Holy Grail involves Indy finding a way across an enormous chasm. He must take a "leap of faith," believing that God (or the holy men who hid the Grail) would have a way for him to cross, so he takes a step into the abyss. He discovers an "invisible" bridge just wide enough for him to walk across. (Frankly, if you don't already know all that, I'm not sure why we're friends, but I'm explaining just in case.) ]