First Day Jitters

When I was a student (at any level), I always experienced nerves the night before classes started. As a youngster (grade school), that was all excitement. Later, my feelings developed more into anxiety of a sort and concern about finding the right room, not looking like an idiot, making sure the teacher liked me (I was a suck-up who didn't know she was one), and finding out how crazy the semester was going to be.

After I finished grad school, I assumed those nervous, sleepless nights were at an end. Reality, however, seems to be the opposite. Now that I'm teaching, I have first-day-of-school anxiety on top of work anxiety. It's all sorts of fun.

Last week was my first week at both schools: one started Monday, the other Wednesday, so I had two nights of rough sleep. I had my syllabi ready, and the first days are frighteningly simple--I go through the pertinent points of the syllabus, start getting to know the students, show them how tough, yet occasionally funny, I am, and start the ball rolling. After the syllabus is together, week one is a breeze, teaching-wise. In spite of all that (and my previous teaching experience; I've been doing this for at least five years now), I still do not sleep well the night before the first day.

What's funny is that I never think I'm nervous. I don't particularly feel anxious or overwhelmed. I know what's coming, and I'm prepared. Yet, my tossing and turning and checking the clock all night, as well as the strange dreams, force me to admit to those insidious jitters. Last Sunday night, before OD started, I had many dreams, three of which stick in my mind somewhat to this point, so I'll share. I think you'll notice a theme. (This is the order in which I remember having these dreams.)

1. Finding the Subway - In this scene, I think was visiting my sister, BB, in NYC, but it was as though the city street was also a large mall, focused primarily in what looked like a food court. I had to get to wherever BB was by a certain time, 11:00pm, I think, but I was having trouble finding the subway station. On top of that, I was convinced that the trains would stop running completely within a few minutes. I ran down what felt like the length of the mall (several city blocks) in the direction I had thought the stop I wanted was in. No luck. So, I ran in the other direction; that's when I found the subway stop just around a corner from where I had started, and I was too late for the train. I knew BB was going to be upset with me, and I was left lost in NYC, the mall.
2. Lady on a Plane - Next, I was on an airplane. It was a rather small plane: one side of the plane had three seats across, the other had two. I was seated in the window seat on the two-seat side, when the woman who had the seat next to me appeared. She spoke loudly, in a rather strident tone, and asked/demanded that I switch her seats because she didn't want to sit on the aisle. Next I new, I was in the aisle seat, and the woman (who was also a little heavy) was sitting in the window seat but leaning over in my direction. She was practically in my chair (not that she was too large for her seat, but she was simply invading my space), and she wouldn't stop talking to me extremely loudly. Oh, the irritation. My dream morphed then: it was the same, but we were suddenly in a larger plane that had at least three seats on each side; I think ours had four. I was still in the same row as that same woman, and she was still in my personal space. I guess I couldn't escape her.
3. Leap of Faith - [This dream had a few elements that you may not recognize, so I have a glossary of sorts at the bottom of this post.] I was trying to get to something like a datacron*. I don't think it was a datacron, exactly, but I'm not sure because I never obtained whatever I was trying to get. I was on one side of a canyon and had to reach a point partway across, a platform of sorts. I had to "leap of faith"** there, across a narrow, and nearly invisible, land bridge. Once I reached the platform, I realized I didn't have an item I had to have to retrieve my goal item (reward?). So, I had to go back across the perilous path. The needed object was in another place I had to travel to, and the process would take a while. I knew I'd have to go and come back and cross that blasted bridge again, but there was no help for it...I HAD to have whatever was on that platform. Before I could find out what any of those mysterious items were, either to get the goal or the goal itself, my alarm finally went off.

For all I know, those dreams all occurred within the last half hour of attempting sleep before my alarm, which I had been waiting for all night!, saved me from the insanity. I hope you noted the themes of worry/fear, irritation, and failure. That was a good night...

So, first day jitters and general anxiety? Yep, I've still got them! I don't think my jobs stress me out too much, but I suppose I'll always be a little nervous for the first day of school.

[*In the computer game I play, Star Wars: The Old Republic (i.e. SWTOR), there are these bonus objects I can find called datacrons (their purpose isn't important at the moment). There are tricks to finding all of them: some involve jumping to tricky places, others involve puzzles, some are behind high point enemies I have to kill. One is across a lava-filled space, and I have to find a Crusade-like bridge to get to it.
**The leap of faith: in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, part of the final puzzle to the Holy Grail involves Indy finding a way across an enormous chasm. He must take a "leap of faith," believing that God (or the holy men who hid the Grail) would have a way for him to cross, so he takes a step into the abyss. He discovers an "invisible" bridge just wide enough for him to walk across. (Frankly, if you don't already know all that, I'm not sure why we're friends, but I'm explaining just in case.) ]

Reunited...

And it feels so good! (I just had to do it.)

This past Saturday, I attended an extended family reunion. This was a reunion of my dad's immediate family in Ohio--my aunts, uncles, cousins, and cousins' children--that we have every summer, but expanded to include my dad's mother's side of the family as well--Dad's cousins and their families. We had beautiful weather, a perfect location at a park with features to keep the younger members busy, and a bunch of people, some of whom came from all over the country. I know we had people from Kentucky, Minnesota, and Texas, and those were only the people I talked to directly. I had a good time and met a number of family members I had only heard of before, and many I hadn't.

                                                                              Here are all the attendees! That's quite a group!

Reunions for the younger generations are interesting events in that they are often not so interesting. When I was a child, we had reunions every year for the extended family on my dad's father's side. For me, those events were somewhat torturous. I didn't know anyone except my own aunts, uncles, and cousins, and I wasn't especially close to any of them. I would play with the other kids, but the venues chosen for this event were not exactly conducive to fun times for youngsters. I didn't want to talk to the "old" people I didn't know but who seemed to know me. As little as some of you may believe this now (apparently I've worked on this over time), I was not especially social as a child. I didn't know how to talk to new acquaintances, especially adults, and I'd rather spend time by myself or with my parents and sisters than with family members I rarely even saw. I dreaded these events.

Now, I'm much better. I didn't know many of the people at this reunion, but I managed to meet and have conversations with several. At such events, I tend to introduce myself by family relation rather than by name: "I'm so-and-so's daughter." Then I'll give my name; I find the process is easier that way. I've figured out, over time, how to make some small talk, which is really useful at reunions. Actually, talking small is even easier at these kinds of events because we could always bring the conversation back to family members, gossip, etc. I also noticed, at first, I clung (clinged? clang?) to those people I know, even if I rarely speak to them: aunts I don't spend time with, cousins I don't visit with regularly, uncles who can be ridiculous, and not always in good ways. It took me a little time to become more generally social. I also developed a habit of speaking to everyone as though I already knew them and they knew who I was, making comments and jokes to break the ice. I guess it worked.

I'm glad I attended this reunion, and I'm grateful my dad, grandpa, aunts, and uncles were able to see the people they knew when they were younger but haven't had the chance to see for many years. I also was able to appreciate the fact that I have learned how to deal with such social situations much better than I have in the past. I'm not quite the introverted, anti-social hermit I think of my younger self as! (And, yes, I do think I was sometimes exactly that bad.)

Work Flux

I'm now in the midst of my official summer break. The writing center closed with the end of summer term, so even my minimal work hours ended a week ago. This summer has led to many considerations when it comes to my work.

As a part-time college instructor (or adjunct, as we're titled), I don't have guaranteed or steady hours or income at either of the two colleges I work for. I take what they give me and hope it's enough. The uncertainty is scarcely enjoyable, though it does allow me down time to do what I want, when I'm not grading stacks of essays, that is. To supplement, I also work in the writing center.

This year, one of my employers has made the adjunct life even more difficult by changing the maximum number of hours any adjunct can work from 29 per week to 22, as well as the meaning of time. Now, one teaching hour counts as two "clock hours," but they're not adjusting our pay to reflect that; we're paid the same amount per hour we were before. Essentially, they have cut what we can do in half. I guess I'm more quarter-time, than part-time now, which is rather inconvenient, financially.

Anyway, this change has also caused problems for the writing center. They only employ teachers at the college, and now we can't tutor as much if we also want to teach (all the hours are added together). To alleviate that problem, they've created a new "staff" position for people to just work in the writing center. I've always said that, if I could work at the writing center without teaching, I would; I just like the one-on-one work of the writing center more than teaching a large group. Thus, I strongly considered taking one of these positions. I even applied. Unfortunately, they won't be making any decisions about those jobs until just before fall semester begins, and I cannot deal with that level of uncertainty for that long. Even my supervisor at the center, who was quite excited to hear that I would be applying for the staff job, recommended I go for the more "sure thing."

As a result of all this, I'm back where I began a few months ago: taking what I can and hoping for the best.

I've been given two classes at this place for the fall, which equals six teaching hours (12 clock hours), so I can still tutor for ten hours, if they haven't filled the writing center with staffers. I really will need that tutoring work on top of the two classes (and the two at the other place I teach) in order to make ends meet comfortably.

Methinks I'll be looking for different steadier work in the next few years. I just can't see myself dealing with all of this for the rest of my life. Now, I just have to figure out what I want to do when I grow up.